What Next?

I've thought for some time, about what to talk about next.

Except it's not really what to talk about.  It's what to tell you.  There is no conversation in a medium like this.  I just get to sit back and decide your experience, your understanding of my situation.

In some sense that gives me a great deal of power.  Over your perception, over your belief.  But in another.. It makes me helpless.  If I am misunderstood, I won't ever know.  If I'm not even heard, how can I tell?  I can pour out my heart, and I'm still at the mercy of all those who read.  All those who come to read, come to see, come to judge...

So why do I do it?

I decided that's what I should tell you.

To explain why I'm doing this.  Or attempt to at least, and maybe understand a little better myself.


I told you about my early experiences with hypnosis.  And now I'll tell you about one part of my current reality.

Some of you know, that I run a store in Second Life.  Some of you who know me there, know that I pulled back from that enterprise some time ago.  And some of you who know me from the various boards and things around the internet know, that I first started getting involved there only recently.  And those who know me only from here?  Well you can clearly see that this blog is a rather new construct in my world.

So why the migration?  Why the shift?

Well.. I'll tell you.


I can't stop.


I really can't.. I've tried.  Sometimes I wonder if I should get some help.  If this is what addiction feels like..  It's not really what I imagined it to be.  I've never had much of a problem with substance abuse.  When prescribed pain meds, I don't even bother taking them, let alone get addicted.  I drink, occasionally to excess, but I'll go months without, without ever really noticing.

I imagined addiction to be something that gnaws the back of your mind.  Something always there.  Something that you struggle with constantly.

Certainly that's how I've heard it described.  You take it one day at a time right?  You wrestle with the demons inside you...

Mine are sneakier than that.

Mine don't haunt me.  Mine don't wrestle with me.  If you might forgive what is likely a terrible football metaphor.. There is no line of skirmish.  There is no battle, no fight.  My demons leave me alone, for a good length of time.  A day, a week, a month, but when they eventually strike, it's from the shadows, suddenly, powerfully..

And most of the time I don't even know they've hit me.

I pulled back from Second Life because it was sucking me in too much.  It was compromising my real life, my work, my education.  Not the game, or the escape.. But the girls...

I know they don't look like they pretend to.  I know most of them are probably boys.  But to someone interested in their minds, it hardly matters at all.  So many.. and So willing.. Wanting, BEGGING.. to be toyed with..

I just couldn't help myself...

And worse.. Seeing their submission, their ecstasy.. I wanted to feel it for myself.


When it got too intense, I pulled away.  The store still runs, but I don't visit much.  But still once in a while I end up back there, despite not meaning to.  Despite not wanting to..

It reminds me of how I felt with Adam.. All those years ago.  I didn't want it.. until I did..

For a time I did ok without it.  But I found myself wanting more of an outlet.. For that side of my personality.  For that need.  So I got more involved.  I tried writing stories, making images..

But of course, I like praise.. I like attention..  I can admit that about myself.

So I talked to people about my work, and talked more, and somehow found myself doing things I shouldn't be doing.

I always seem to end up back there.. Eventually

Finally I started writing here.  With the perhaps foolish hope that getting it out there.. This shadow that lives in me, this shadow that lives Me..

Might offer some salvation
Or at least.. Absolution