Established Patterns

I seem to have fallen into a rather strange routine, when dealing with new sexual partners.

I'm not sure exactly why, though I do have some theories.

That's sort of my curse..  Self analyzing, self obsessing, over analyzing to the point of ridiculousness.  I don't mean to say that I am self involved, or vain, or anything like that.  Though I am a bit vain, it's true.

I mean that I can't stop analyzing the reasons I do things.  I suppose it stems from a pathological fear of insanity.  Or more than that, a fear of waking up in some institution where anything I say is dismissed as meaningless ranting.  Unable to make myself heard, unable to get out, just stuck.

I also have quite a fear of being restrained, which I imagine is related.

But I digress, as usual.

You see.. I meet a new person, and after the initial getting to know you.  I tend to break the news about my little fetish sooner rather than later.  This, tends towards curiosity in the part of the person I'm meeting, and eventually turns to wanting to give it a try.

This isn't of course, the case every time, but if it isn't, it's safe to assume we're not compatible anyway and I tend to move on before we get much farther.

Anyway.. One thing leads to another, and eventually I end up breathing heavily trying not to squirm while they lay slumped in an easy chair mumbling responses back to me in an oh so delightful entranced mutter as I guide them deeper, trying to find out more about them..

Once I calm down a bit.. we play a few harmless games, seeing how suggestible they are, you get the idea I'm sure.  We probably try a few more risque things as well, which I shall leave to your imagination as they aren't really relevant to the conversation.

But eventually, perhaps after a few attempts, my pattern gets a little.. well you might call it strange.

Eventually, I decide to guide them into thinking that I am the one that was hypnotized.  And beyond that, I tend to let them think that their suggestions won't be resisted in the least, that they have far more control over me than I did of them.

So right now you might be asking.. Why would she do that?

Well there's where I'm not exactly sure...  But I'll tell you my theories.

First.. I am a switch.

Now I'm not entirely sure I use that term "correctly"  since so many things involved in being a sub would tend to have me just stand up and slap my partner if they tried them.  But in this case.. I can't help but be terribly aroused at the thought of being.. helpless.. to someone's will.  Of being changed, to meet their desires.  My personality, body, anything, changed for their pleasure...  *shivers*

That said, I am a terribly cautious person in many ways.  Perhaps because of how things went the first time around, perhaps because of other things..  But in this thing at least, I am wary of giving someone I don't know well such a level of control over me.

Also, I don't want it to end up a permanent thing.. It's not that I want it all to be on my terms when I want.  I love the idea of being surprised, taken against my will, molded.. *shivers*
But the thought of never quite getting back to myself, rather terrifies me.

On another level, I want to see what they are like with the gloves off..

When they think I can't fight back.  Don't see, won't remember, have no control over what they do and say.  I want to know who they are inside.

People treat you differently when they think you won't remember..

They may be caring, or callous.  Treat you like a beloved pet, or small child, or perhaps as a thing to be abused and punished, beneath notice or caring..  Some people just don't have it in them..  They can't be in control, and just ask what you want, try and think of a few things to do, and end it as soon as possible.  Others love it, understand, and try to be imaginative and evocative.. Playing delightful games...

Others still of course, take things to a dark place in a hurry...  The man who tried to pimp me out to his friends is of course a good example.

The twisted thing is.. I might have even enjoyed that.  If I had known them, and him.. If it were a part of something, larger.. if that makes any sense..  But his callous disregard, his simple exploitative abuse of the concept.. Suffice to say that didn't last long, and I gave him a few things to remember me by.

I suppose it mostly goes back to these fantasies.. This need to .. be used, controlled, changed.. And my shame for feeling that way.

But the pattern doesn't really stop there.. You see.. the more I play with them, and have them play with me.. The more I tend to feel guilty, ashamed, afraid.. So I tend towards making them angry.

I lash out rudely while they think they can control me.  I might behave poorly, or do something simply to make them angry.  Or sometimes even just re-enforce the concept with them, making them more and more upset with me, want more and more to punish me.. To .. get even.. for some real or imagined slight.

I want to see what they will do.. But also, I think that maybe I just feel like I deserve to be punished..

It never lasts.  As much as I might think I deserve to be punished, my nature won't let me sit back and take it for too long, and I eventually get a bit even myself.  Maybe push a few boundaries they don't really want to push.  Maybe do something to really earn their anger, and not just the suggestion of it..  The cycle escalates, with our games getting darker, more perverse, driving each other well past what we might have considered within our range of acceptable just a short while before..

But always eventually I drive them away.. Sometimes accidentally, sometimes on purpose when things get too out of hand and they start to damage the rest of my life...

But eventually I force them away..  And I start all over.