Where have I been?

Well that's a long story with many parts.

My life got more complicated.
I haven't felt inspired.
I haven't had time to write.

But a large part of it is frustration, and inability to move past a huge block.  I'm hoping you can help me with that, if anyone is out there.

You may recall a while back me posting about submitting ideas for mind control comics to a publisher, and how the only one they read was accepted, and I was working up a script.  Well the long story short, and this is very very very short.  After a long delay, they decided not to make it.

Now, I have been rejected many times before, and generally don't have a problem with it.  But in this case I'm stuck.  See the reason they gave (after many months of telling me they liked it) was that the script was bad.  Not they didn't like the direction, not the wrong artistic style for their needs, not poor characterization or bad plot, but poorly written.

As in technically.  They said that it didn't meet the criteria, that it was massively filled with errors, and in fact was so bad that it was not worth their time to even review or edit it, nor even give me one example of a mistake.

Now here's the problem.

I still like it.

I'm still actually pretty proud of it.

And worse, I can't for the life of me figure out what the hell they are talking about.

I've showed it to a few people, and THEY can't figure out what the hell the publisher is talking about.

Now, possibly these people are trying to spare my feelings, or telling me what I want to hear.  So I want to see if anyone else can tell me, what the hell is so unbelievably bad about this script that the editor just threw up their hands and said fuck it, this is too abysmal to possibly be corrected without a monumental amount of effort.

So... included below is the rejected and failed script for the now never to be made first issue of Terminal 14.

*edit* pretty much all the text formatting has been eaten by the post.  Not sure how to fix it atm.  Hopefully it's decipherable.

Issue 1

Page 1

We open on the computer lab, late night, half the florescent lights lit, stars out the windows.  Lily and James are the only ones in the room, working in different rows, Lily working away, James complaining that he can’t get his program to compile.  Lily’s internal monologue runs throughout, catching us up on where they are, who they are, what’s going on.  Lily complains about the heat, loses her overshirt, James grows more frustrated and puts his hands to his head.  Lily goes over to help, taking the keyboard and correcting a syntax error.  We see James eyes refocus and his face go slack as he looks down Lily’s shirt.

Page 1 

panel 1, top left, wide

An external shot of a computer lab from the outside, showing that it’s dark, and in the window 2 people work.  Lily, librarian glasses, tank top, overshirt thrown over her chair, jeans?  long red hair pulled back into ponytail.  James, kind of nerdy but not over the top, glasses jeans tshirt, brown hair.

Text box - Others say their lives started at birth.  Or perhaps in high school.

Text box - The day they got their first car, stayed out all night.  The day.. they tasted freedom.

Text box - For me.  My life started that night..

Panel 2, top right, narrow

a shot of Lilys face from the front, a sort of zoned out expression on her face

James from off camera - Fuck!

Text box - Working late, like I did so many nights that first year.

Panel 3, mid left

wider shot, lily is startled out of her trance by james frustrated yelling

Lily - Huh?

James -  It just Keeps dropping characters!

Text Box - And like so many nights, it was just me and James, the only ones with nothing better to do.

Panel 4, mid right

shot from the other side, or a different angle, showing james with his hands thrown up or holding his head in frustration.

James - I just can’t get this damn thing to work.  How did you keep the pre compiler from dropping the escape characters?

Text box - I know.. not where you’d expect a life to begin.

panel 5 bottom left, narrow

shot of lily, standing or walking, in some way showing her getting up or moving towards james

Lily - Damn it.. This is the last time all right?

Text Box - But this was the moment for me.. That confusing, terrible, exhilarating moment.  When I lost control..

panel 6 bottom right, wide

lily bent at the waist, james off to the side, sort of shunted over as lily takes his keyboard giving him a perfect view down her top.  James eyes fixed on her cleavage.  a shot from over the computer might give the best perspective?

Lily - Look, damnit!  Base zero, how many times, seriously!  You’re dropping starting 1 character too early on this loop.  

Text box - And tasted Freedom..

Page 2

James stares, Lily catches him and blushes, recoiling a bit.  Her internal monologue starts to run away with her, her thoughts going to how she has never thought of him that way, how she didn’t know he thought of her that way.. she starts to get more worked up, leans in, he leans in.. they kiss softly.  She pulls back, eyes wide, he starts to apologize and her urges overwhelm her, she throws herself back into the embrace, overcome by lust.

Panel 1 - Top left

Lily trails off, catching the line of his eyes.  James notices and blushes, his gaze coming up to meet hers.

Lily - Are you distracted or something?  You’ve got like 3 stupid mistakes here.  What are you...

Text box - I was stunned at first.

Panel 2 - Top Right

Lily blushes and averts her eyes, shifts to stand back up, stammering a bit.

Lily - I.. You.. I should go back to.. 

James - I’m sorry I just.. I couldn’t help it.. I.. 

Text box - I had never thought of him that way.  Never realized he thought of me that way.

Panel 3 - Middle Left

The two are now standing opposed, Lily looking anywhere but at James, blushing furiously, James looking at her with a sort of plaintive look.

Lily - Forget it.. let’s just ignore.. *ahem*

James - Look I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by..

Oh Fuck it.

Text box - I was confused.. I was shocked.. I was offended..

Panel 4 - Middle Right

James is kissing Lily, we see her hands come up to her sides in a sort of awkward undecided pose, unsure if she should push him away, eyes wide open

Text box - But then in that sudden instant of recoil, I realized something strange.. 

Panel 5 - Long panel, series of transitions

Series of close ups of Lily’s face.  Want to see the transition from shock, softening through acceptance, eyes sort of half closing as her face softens, her hands relax, then finally her mouth opening and her throwing herself into the kiss.

Text box - In addition to all that.. I really.. Really.. Enjoyed it..

Text box - And I wanted more..

Page 3

This page is mainly a series of positions or stills or silhouettes as Lily’s monologue talks about what she’s feeling, thinking, how she has given in to the sensations.  Until finally the page ends with a massive arching shuddering orgasm as she rides him on the floor

Shot of them making out, top being stripped off.  Blowjob shot, tittyfucking, cowgirl grind on the floor as her head throws back .. then them collapsed in a heap with big dumb grins on their faces.

Text box - It was like something opened up inside me.  Some closed off part of myself that I had never realized I had, or never wanted to admit existed.

Text box - and all of a sudden the doors were thrown open.  A torrent poured through me, washing away all those restraints, embarrassment, shyness that I had always felt.

Text box - It was carrying me away.. I couldn’t stop it.

Text box - And worse.. I didn’t think I wanted to.

Page 4

Lily bolts, grabbing her clothing, running out of the building as James lies near senseless in the lab.  We follow her across the campus, haunted by her morals, unable to believe what she has done.  When she gets into the dorm, she is stopped by a voice from off camera mocking her.

Panel 1 - Top left

Lily pulls herself out from James embrace as he lays semi comatose on the floor, clutching her top to her chest.

Text box - Once it was over, the guilt came flooding back in.

Panel 2 - top right

We see Lily pulling on her shoe, now mostly dressed, carrying her overshirt and other shoe, hobbling out the door of the lab as james lays in the background.

Text box -  I couldn’t believe what I had done.  Ruined my reputation.. Possibly destroyed a friendship.. And that’s not even getting into all the usual worries about unprotected sex.

Panel 3 - middle left

Lily Bursting out the front door of the building, across the quad, campus grounds and trees around.  She looks like shes trying not to cry.

Text box - I had fucked one of my best friends.  In a public building no less!  What if there were security cameras!  The thoughts just spun around and around in my head.. 

Panel 4 - middle right

Lily walking quickly across the quad, plants, trees, shes clutching her arms to her chest and fighting back tears.  shoulders arched forward, shuddering.

Text box - And worse, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I had enjoyed it.  Which only added to the guilt.

panel 5 - bottom left

Lily enters her dorm building, looks at the people walking by, worried look, shy expression, worried they see right through her.

Text box - I was convinced everyone could see right through me.  But I just kept telling myself I was imagining things, that it was all in my head.

panel 6 - bottom right

Lily closes a door behind her, a look of relief on her face, we can’t see much of the room she’s entered.  common room in her dorm.

Text Box - But finally it was all over, I made it home.  I could relax.

Sarah from off camera - Well look who got layed!

Page 5

Sarah stands there, standing with a cocky tilt, making fun of Lily, calling her a slut, generally tormenting her.  Lily retreats to her room, and we close out with her crying herself to sleep.

Panel 1 - Top left (large panel, full length shot of sarah showing the common area, a few people in the background, lily looking embarrassed)

Sarah stands in her pj’s.  Maybe some frilly shorts with a camisole?  She’s blonde, busty, and has a cocky stance.  Confident in her appearance and superiority in the conversation.

text box - Or not.. Fuck

Sarah - Sneaking in late, clothes in a disarray.. Looks like someone had fun.  Wherever did you find someone to hook up with you looking like that?

Panel 2 - smaller panel aside

lily trying to push past sarah, into her room.

text box - Sarah Malloy.. She had been tormenting me all semester, like it was her personal mission.  Ever since we ended up in the same quad.

Lily - Can we just skip the bullshit tonight Sarah?  I’m in no mood.

panel 3 - 

Shot of Sarahs snarky face?

Sarah - Uh oh, someones cranky.  Did the poor guy have a little problem getting it up?  Big surprise if he had to look at you.

Panel 4

Lily pushing past, looking like she’s going to cry

Text box - she usually didn’t get to me.  But with everything else.. I just didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.

Lily - Go fuck yourself.. 

Sarah - Is that where you’re off to in such a hurry?

Panel 5 

Lily choking back tears, throwing herself into bed..

Text box - Didn’t want her to see me cry.  Didn’t want her to see how I just couldn’t stop thinking about that night.

Panel 6

Lights out, from outside the dorm room, silhouette of a girl playing with an exposed breast, another hand down her pants, arched horizontally on the bed.

text box - Couldn’t let on how right she was.. 

Lily from inside the window - Ohhhh goddd...

Page 6

Lily makes her way through her classes, catches sight of Sarah flirting shamelessly with Bryce, and blows it off as the blonde trying to manipulate the poor lab tech.  Ducks around a corner to avoid James, not wanting to see him. 

Simple 8 panel grid

Panel 1 

Lily in a class, hand raised- wardrobe is a little lighter, tshirt instead of a mroe covering overshirt like she had the night before.

text box - By the next morning I had nearly forgotten all about the events of the night before.

Panel 2

Lily walking the halls talking with a fellow student, lots of classmates milling about.

text box - I was back to myself, things were under control, I was feeling great.

Panel 3

Lily ducked around a corner, James on the other side talking to someone

text box - Well.. Almost under control.  I still couldn’t bring myself to talk to him.  But aside from that, things were back to normal.

Panel 4

Lily walking into the computer lab

text box - Or you know.. relatively normal.

Panel 5

Sarah is shamelessly pressed into Bryce, tugging him in closer to her as he sort of half sits on a desk  looking awkard.  as if shed sort of pushed him into it.  Lily pulls back so as not to be spotted

text box - Ok this.. This is not what I would call normal.  What on earth could she possibly need from him that would get her to do this?

Sarah - Come on Brycie.. Won’t you help me out?

Panel 6

Lily retreats, laughing, snickering, trying not to crack up in the hallway.

text box - But really.  She is a total slut after all, guess she’s just falling back on her only skill to get her way.

Panel 7

Lily jogging, heading somewhere.

text box - But something this hilarious really needed to be shared.  And really, after all this, I really needed to talk to someone anyway.

Panel 8

Lily enters the cafeteria, waving to Alice in the lineup, who waves back

text b

ox - I just hoped I could get the words out.

Page 7

Lily catches up to her friend Alice at the cafeteria line up.  She tells her they need to talk.  Lily and Alice talk at a remote table, Lily looking around furtively, then blurts out that she slept with James last night.  Alice does a spit take.

Panel 1 - top left

Lily approaches Alice as she leaves the checkout line.  Alice is wearing a short jacket over a bright shirt, shorter hair with streaks (pink?), asian.  Boots, dark pants. maybe a facial piercing, whatever looks good.

Lily - Oh my god.. I’ve got so much to tell you.  We really need to talk..

Alice - Back of the room it is.. By the way, don’t get the coleslaw today.  

text box - Alice had been my go to girl for.. practically everything since tenth grade.

panel 2 - top right

The two girls are sitting down at a table

Alice - Sooooo... 

Lily - ... 

text box - I could count on her for a practical, rational response

panel 3

Lily looking like she is going to talk.. Alice looking interested

panel 4 

Lily sort of blushing and looking down, alice taking a bite of her meal

panel 5

Lily peeking up at alice from under her lashes, looking embarrassed, Alice taking a drink and looking disinterested.

panel 6 - large panel on the bottom

lily - So I fucked James last night

Alice - spit take, spraying her water off to the side

Page 8

Alice gets a very short version of the story, time lapsed over, and tells Lily that it’s about time, that it’s totally ok, and that she probably just needed to get laid.  She confesses that she has felt that way lately, and that it’s just spring fever, totally normal.  Lily gets up and leave, embarrassed.

panel 1 - long across the top

Closer shot of the two leaning in across the table, Lily looking flushed, Alice looking excited, eager to hear more, smiling.

Lily - I know I know!  I don’t know what happened.. we were just working and.. we sort of.. 

Alice - But.. I thought you didn’t.. you know.. do that.

Lily - I don’t!  or.. well I didn’t.. it was just..

Alice - Well?  Did you enjoy it?

panel 2 - long across the middle

Lily looking embarassed, pulling back a bit, Alice with a sly grin.

Lily - Well.. I.. Yes!  Ok?  I fucking loved it.. Oh god I feel like such a slut.

Alice - Oh don’t even go there.  It’s totally natural to experiment in college, or so all the posters say right?

Lily - I suppose..

panel 3 - long across the bottom

Alice standing to walk away, Lily looking shy but with a little grin from the table, watching her leave.

Alice - Damn right you suppose.  It’s a good thing.  You’re finally getting out of your shell.  And James is a sweetheart, it’s not like hes going to mistreat you.  Go with it girl!

Lily - Yeah.. I guess you’re right.

Alice - Don’t stress it.  It’s probably just spring fever anyway.  I’ve been up to no good lately myself.  I’ll tell you about it tomorrow, I’ve got to get to class.

Page 9

Lily is alone in the computer lab at night, all the lights are off this time, light from the monitor reflected in her glasses, sweat beading on her forehead as her internal monologue keeps going back to James, and what they did last night.  she tries to focus but we watch her get more and more worked up as she leans back and her hand drops to her breast, letting out a soft moan, James name.

Panel 1 - top left

Lily alone in the lab, lights are out, but she is lit up by the flicker of the monitor, the same terminal she was using at the beginning of the chapter.We can see a look of concentration on her face..

text box - Approval from Alice or not..  I just couldn’t deal with this, couldn’t process.  I just wanted to push it out of my mind, focus on work.

Panel 2 - top right

close up of her face, a bead of sweat dripping down her brow, eyes trying to focus, maybe a reflection of the monitor in her glasses showing code.  Her eyes tense.. 

text box - The minutes turned into hours, but I couldn’t seem to focus, couldn’t seem to make any progress.  

Panel 3 - middle left

Pull back to show her eyes softening, brows furrowing, mouth opening.. her hand drifts off the keyboard towards her body

text box - Every time I tried to think about code, about numbers.. My thoughts would veer off, returning to the night before.  The heat.. hands, on my skin.. lips.. tongues..

Panel 4 - middle right

Pull back further, her mouth drooping, her eyes fluttering half shut, shes leaned back a tiny bit, hand hovering near a breast, fingers just touching

text box - His fingers caressing.. his hard.. so wet.. the way he held me.. I rode him.. it felt so.. so...

panel 5 - bottom across

Wide shot, shes closed her eyes, leaned back in her chair, hand playing with a breast through her shirt, other hand leaves the mouse as she falls back.

text box - Hoooottt...

Page 10

We watch her from outside the room, getting more and more into it, finally we pull back entirely to a large image of Bryce watching from the hall, his glasses totally blocking his eyes, wicked grin on his face.  In the reflection of the glasses we see  Lily totally surrendered to her passions, shirt open, hands caressing her tits, down her pants, gasping in orgasm.

Panel 1 - top left

Lily has pulled open her shirt, palming her exposed breast, other hand diving into her jeans.

text box - I couldn’t stop myself.  Didn’t want to stop.  It felt so good.  Images of James body, my body, grinding, thrusting.. 

Panel 2 - top right

Pull back to show a figure standing in the door to the lab, watching, his eyes blocked by glare off his glasses, but sort of recognizable as Bryce

text box - They filled my mind, driving me higher, hotter, overwhelming me.. I just wanted to give in.  To surrender to the sensations, surrender to the feelings.. Surrender to the lust..

Panel 3 - Large square filling bottom half of page.

Close up on Bryces face, evil grin, his glasses reflecting an image of Lily arched in orgasm, exposed, clothes in disarray, masturbating frantically.

text box - Surrender...

Let me know what you think.